The 355

The 355 is your classic McGuffin tale. No it’s not about a talking dog in a trench coat offering to assist with crime rates, that’s McGruff you’re thinking about. And no it’s not about an egg and cheese sandwich guaranteed to give you oily diarrhea, that’s a McMuffin. I’m talking about a “McGuffin”.

A McGuffin is the movie term for some object that the bad guy is after and the pursuit for that object creates the plot for the movie. In this case that object is a computer drive that can hack into any digital system ranging from the secure power grid of a major city to your home wifi. Just imagine if a terrorist organization was able to stream movies off your wifi without your consent, slowing your bandwidth, causing your videos to be slightly pixelated. Would you want to live in that world? No? Then thank God for The 355!

Enter an elite team of female spies that did not skip cardio day, who spend the entire movie shooting at people but never actually hitting anyone until there are enough unnamed henchmen to kill at the very end.

This movie was produced by and stars Jessica Chastain. As a fan of her many other works, I am sad to say I won’t be remembering her for this particular role. I also won’t be remembering the action.

I almost felt like the writer had a checklist of cliché spy movie scenes he wanted to incorporate and overworked himself trying to find places to squeeze them all in. “Ok, we need a double-cross, we need a ‘your partner died’ scene, we need a ‘your partner didn’t die scene’ and we need someone to wear an out of place, slightly oversized Panama Jack hat” was likely a phrase that was said on set.

The movie does have some good set pieces and the sound throughout the movie is solid, but the plot is weaker than my grandpa’s urine stream. He’s got prostate issues, but don’t worry, the pills are helping.

In conclusion, The 355 is a movie you may want to check out when it’s free on your favorite streaming platform and Jason Bourne isn’t an option, or maybe when you’re flying on a plane and you don’t want to talk to the guy next to you about who you think the Air Marshal is. Spoiler Alert: it’s the guy practicing karate in 6C.

✈️ = Watch only if on a plane and there are no other options